Les amis de la vie

I am raising my daughter alone. From the very beginning, my parents helped me: both financially and sat with her when I went to work after giving birth. My child never needed anything, I received all the best. There was a double quantity: both strollers and coloring. Grandma tried my best. I did not always react to my requests not to spend money in vain. Accordingly, she was waiting for a return on her beloved granddaughter. But it was with this that the lining happened!

The child distances from her grandmother, does not want her to watch how she, for example, is doing lessons so that she would braid her or correct her clothes so that she would not “chuve” her once again. But the most offensive is that the grandmother is a coach and could train her, teach wisdom, but where is there! The daughter does not want any way to make the grandmother look or show, and also commented on or correct. Hence the insults and the reprimand in my direction that in two years it will also affect me.

Of course, I talk to my daughter, I explain that my grandmother loves her and you can’t do so. The child understands everything, promises that he will not behave in this way, and almost immediately everything is again – it seems that this is higher than her strength – to control himself. I understand that my grandmother’s comments can be sharp or critical, but I can’t change anything in this situation. What can be done in such a situation?

I sympathize with the current situation. Let’s try to figure out what is happening. First of all, one gets the impression that your daughter carries a heavy load of her guilt in front of the family. You worked a lot, your grandmother invested – these are messages for your daughter’s psyche mean that she is “burden”, although this, of course, is not so. A child with an unconscious fantasy that he is a “burden”, usually ridicules or depreciates a good attitude towards himself – this is a protective reaction.

What else I heard in your words is an appeal to the material side of the question, which also reinforces the imagination of my daughter about « highs ». If you focus on the financial side, then the child begins to experience hunger according to ordinary warm emotional relations. Because, as if we, adults, did not understand that the family could not swim without money, and children are still more important by proximity and moral support, and not the number of toys.

I don’t know what kind of grandmother is. You wrote that it can be sharp, critical. Such a

situation is possible that in childhood you have not received precisely the emotional unprofitable interaction on its part? Then it will be easier for you to understand what a daughter feels, forced to be grateful for not asking, and from a person who does not provide moral support and criticizes.

Try to talk with your daughter in a different way. Do not demand proper behavior from her, because we feel what we feel. Ask about her fears, resentment, fears for grandmother. Do not try to make your daughter communicate with her – you will not be forcibly sweet. Make it clear that you hear a daughter and understand that she can count on your acceptance and support. Let the trick from your grandmother shift you. And if you manage to show your daughter that she can trust you and you understand her, do not condemn her feelings and do not demand ideal behavior and obligation from her, I am sure that it will be easier for her to communicate with her grandmother. After all, for all of us, the attitude of parents is most important. It is it that gives self -confidence and resistance to problems outside.

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