Les amis de la vie

As we grow older, relations with the mother should also change. But sometimes they seem to stop in development, all participants remain in their previous roles. To revise relationships, you need to realize the problem. 10 typical signs of violation of personal boundaries between the mother and her adult child.

“Most children at a young age are very dependent on their mother. Subsequently and it may be difficult to break this connection. This is necessary for further emotional development. Mathers need to help growing children find independence, children – be able to overcome addictions and learn how to pave the way in this world, ”says American psychotherapist Tina Tessina.

Several psychotherapists described typical signs of violations of personal boundaries between the mother and her adult son or daughter. In the examples described below, most often the mother requires constant attention and controls every step of the child, who, in turn, is overly dependent and tends to please everyone, but the reverse option is also possible.

1. Mother requires obviously excessive attention and time

You are used to throwing all things when your mother calls, even if you already talked today? Regularly cancel meetings and joint events with friends, colleagues, husband/wife simply because she wants to see you? It is very likely that you are in an unhealthy situation. Of course, it is sometimes important to put the mother in the first place, but not damage to everything else in life.

“A parent or an adult child can constantly call each other and expect that they will spend most of the free time together. These requirements are often obeyed from guilt or family debt, ”explains the clinical psychologist Gina Delukka.

It may seem to you that you are acting correctly by fulfilling the requirements of the mother, but in the end it may damage your relationship.

“If attention is most often aimed at the mother, this prevents you from developing other aspects of life, which can lead to resentment, discontent and other negative feelings in relation to the mother,” says Psychotherapist Amanda Stemen.

2. You feel responsible for her emotional well -being

If the mother makes you understand that you are responsible for her emotional well -being, most likely personal boundaries are violated in relationships. You cannot control her emotions, this is only possible.

“Some parents shift responsibility for their emotions to children. They can say: “I am worried about what you did (a)”, “I am sad when you don’t call for a long time”, “I would not be angry if you hadn’t done so (a)”. This begins when the child is still very small, but often, growing up, he continues to feel the obligation to maintain parental happiness and tranquility, ”says Stemen.

This unhealthy thinking template can be transferred to other relationships. “In adulthood, a child of such a mother is often difficult to maintain relations with others, often he or she finds himself in co -dependent relationships as with his mother,” adds Street.

3. You are deceiving so as not to upset her

High school students sometimes have to lie to mothers about how they spend their free time to avoid unnecessary problems. But in adulthood, you should not feel the need to deceive your mother so as not to upset her. If she doesn’t like it, what are you doing, well, let it be so.

“An adult is responsible for his decisions, actions and their consequences. You no longer need approval or disapproval to learn how to distinguish good from bad, ”says family therapist Aaron Anderson.

If you notice that you continue to deceive your

mother for the same reasons that before, perhaps, you are both “stuck” in the old roles of the parent and the child. Honesty will help to bring relationships to a new level.

“Directly and honestly tell her what is happening in your life, what you are doing and why. So you can build the relationship of two adults, ”Anderson advises.

4. You are financially dependent on it

Perhaps you are an adult who has temporarily without work or encountered money difficulties. You had to ask your mother (or father) to help financially until you get to your feet. There is nothing wrong with this. But still, if you are able to work, your mother should not contain you.

“If you are financially dependent, then she knows everything about your finances: how much and what you spend on, how much does it take to rent housing and other expenses. It turns out that behind her the last word remains in all issues related to money. This does not allow you to become a completely adult and independent person, ”says Aaron Anderson. – There is nothing wrong with accepting gifts and even financial assistance in a difficult situation, but in other cases, parents should not be asked for money from parents. ”.

5. You allow the mother to fulfill your duties

Physically and mentally full -fledged adults should wash their linen themselves, get out in the house, appoint visits to the doctor and organize trips and business trips. Perhaps your mother wants to do all this for you, trying to help, but, allowing her to do this, you interfere with your own growth and development.

“Such help may seem simply a manifestation of concern for her own child, but in this way the mother is already preventing an adult to learn how to live completely on his own,” says Delukka.

6. Mother wants to participate in any decisions

If you understand that you are not able to independently solve everyday issues without consulting with your mother, this is a bad sign. You must confidently make your own decisions. You can ask her opinions if you want, but you should not feel obligated to do it.

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